Am not I better to thee than ten sons?

I had a pretty fun time at ward prayer watching the First Presidency Devotional. Some of it made me a bit sad though--maybe it's just the season, but I'm feeling somewhat inadequate and am once again longing/pining. Scratch that...probably the reason why I'm feeling more lonely is breaking up twice this week--one was a hopeful relationship (mutual breakup) and the other one of those I want your friendship but you want my romance sort of deals. *Sigh*

I was driving home thinking about all of this, and the happy couples/ppl who should be couples at ward prayer, and got longing. I had just gotten off the phone with a guy at the party (party is a more efficient use of words) and asked him to make sure the new guy got directions to Family Home Evening tomorrow night. I thought Well, I'm just a great "nice" guy who's caring, considerate, gives up his seat for women (I was actually thinking maybe if I stopped being a gentleman it would up my chances for a meaningful relationship, but I diverge), all of which gets me respect, maybe some admiration and friendship.

Isn't that good enough? Don't you want those things? came the thought.
But I want to be loved.
And then this thought: "Am I not better to thee than ten sons?"

That made me think. The story of Hannah in the Old Testament is a very touching one. Here is Hannah, faithful, righteous Hannah who is married to the wonderful Elkanah. Hannah has no children, even though this has long been the righteous desire of her heart, and is in sore longing, especially at the time when Elkanah takes her, and his other wife/kids to the temple to make sacrifice. Elkanah sees the pain of Hannah, who year by year goes without her desire and is under provokement by Elkanah's other wife.

1 Samuel 1:7-8
"... she (Hannah) wept, and did not eat.

Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?

The answer that I give to the question, am I not better to thee than ten sons, (or rather, am I not better to thee than a wife) is yes . . . yes.

I won't go into all the reasons why, but my God, my Father . . . my Father, is so kind, and gracious; He fills me with life. He is the best comforter, the best counselor. He knows my deepest fears, joys, desires, despairs, longings and He loves me perfectly, despite all my mortality, He loves me with a love that is so deep and that is so pure that even glimpsing the minutest part makes my soul soar. I love Him. He has always been there for me, helping me through all my trials, even the ones I create. He is one of the only people who really, truly, and intimately understands me. The rest are deity as well, or perhaps other who I don't know about. But I value that so much--He understands the complete me, and I need not hide anything from Him, because it is His only desire to bless me and to help me become more like Him.

I do not understand nor fully comprehend that love, but it brings me to tears. His love is so strong . . . , so pure . . . , so profound yet simple . . . so Holy and unequivocal.

So yes, the answer to Thy question is yes.

And He has made promises unto me. Clear, definitive promises of a happy marriage, of the type of family I so desire, of fatherhood. Last August, He used the word soon (this was in a blessing I received in getting set apart for a calling). I was really excited for that. Soon is evidently not the year I was hoping it would be, but the promise is absolute and I will trust in Him.

I go back to Hannah's story. She prayed fervently, promising to consecrate her child to the Lord. She received a promise from the prophet and went on her way rejoicing. The promise was fulfilled and she fulfilled her vow, consecrating young Samuel (which can mean "God heard") to God--he became one of the mightiest prophets in Israel.

I cannot consecrate my wife to God--I'm not sure how that would work, but I can consecrate my family; consecrate and set my family apart, much like how Joshua asked the people to choose this day whom they would serve. I will serve the Lord. And I will work and labor to help my family to choose the same.

I am David

Or at least hope to be.

There's two scriptural examples that really help me better understand faith.

The first comes from the Book of Mormon and is the story of Nephi going with his brothers to get the brass plates (ancient scriptures). What did they think of over the week long (or however long) journey from the wilderness to Jerusalem. Surely Nephi was praying for success. They finally reached Jerusalem and went about trying to accomplish what God had commanded them... they failed. Nephi's older brother nearly got killed by Laban, the keeper of the plates. Shouldn't God have helped them? They tried again. They gathered together all their wealth and tried to buy the plates from Laban; they expended all of their efforts. This time, they all nearly died and lost all of their precious things. Surely they asked, where was God? Hadn't He commanded us? Didn't He want us to have success? Why was fulfilling this commandment so impossible?

Yet noble Nephi did not give up; he tried again, relying completely on God for help and finally succeeded through a strange manner, being led 'not knowing beforehand the things he should do.'

The next example is king David. Here was a humble servant of God who was promised by the prophet Samuel that he would become king. He was even anointed to become such. He must have been glad, full of trust in God's promises. He did many great things: he killed Goliath, became a war hero, and won the hearts of all the people. He did not seek to become king over Saul, but served him diligently with all his heart. He loved Saul. Yet Saul became jealous of him and tried to kill him many times. He killed those who helped him, even killing priests who showed him mercy. He hunted for him mercilessly, and even though David spared his life two times, Saul continued to pursue him. David's wife was given to another, taken from him. He was forced to leave behind his best friend Jonathan, with whom he had shared such a strong bond as to make the heavens smile. He was forced to leave behind his own country, and live among the people whom he had fought against. At one point, he even had to feign madness to save his own life. He was slapped in the face for the kindness he showed to others, and despite trying to serve God, he suffered greatly.

Where was God in all of this? Did He not promise David that he would become king? And now he was alone, cast out from his own kin, estranged from his wife and his closest brothers, forced to live amongst enemies. His mentor and friend Samuel was dead. Where was God?

And yet David did not doubt, but he had faith. And the promised blessings came. They came over time and eventually he was crowned king. Even after this it took years for him to finally become king over all Israel. Indeed, after years of bloodshed, strife and intrigue, the full promises were finally realized and he became king as promised.


What I learn from these two examples is that what God promises, God fulfills. But sometimes it takes time. Sometimes we have to fight for it, tooth and nail, working out our guts while remaining faithful to our covenants with God, trying to exercise all of our faith and trust in God.

I have received many wonderful promises. Some I hold most dear: the promise that I will have success in work; the promise that I will find my sweetheart and "soon bring a young woman to the altar" and be sealed to the woman of my dreams; the promise of having the family I've dreamed of; and many more. Some of these seem so far away from me. Work is so stressful and I feel like I am drowning in failure. I cannot seem to get anything to work properly and it eats me and wears down my faith. I long for love; I long for a meaningful relationship and am trying to pursue that and receive much pain from it. That is one of the greatest desires of my heart and it hurts so badly at times.

And I remember these examples and try to exhibit and exercise the faith that these good men had. The promises of God are sure, and He will fulfill all He has spoken, no matter how impossible the dream or goal may seem. He has already fulfilled many promises; one that leaps to mind is the fact that I have a job--there was a time when I was seriously doubting this. I felt I would never obtain, that I would never get a job. I applied to so many places, prayed much, fasted, studied, etc. to no avail. Of course I could have done better in everything I did, but I was trying to put forth my best efforts. And God remembered Daniel, and I did obtain. He will do the same with the other promises and I will look back with joy on having obtained. The happiness I will feel then will warm my bosom on dark nights and I will be able to look back and testify that the Lord God does visit His people in their afflictions, and that He will fulfill all His words unto the children of men as they exercise faith in Him.

Job Fright

I've been thinking about the occurrences of this week and have gained greater anxiety due with regard to the future. When your boss and your boss's boss both are taken out of the company (eliminated position and will retire) it kind of makes you a bit nervous about the stability of your own job. I did receive assurances, however, that there shouldn't be any layoffs on the team level, just a change of supervisors.

Still...

It reminds me of when we all met together with the Chief Actuary and were talking about potential layoffs. I prayed to know if I would be laid off and got this warm fuzzy feeling, really distinct peace. At first I thought that meant, yes, I would be laid off, but in pondering it more, I now believe it means that whatever happens, the Lord will be with me and all will be well.

So I'm really not sure what will happen in the future. The recession is definitely playing a big role in this, and the potential for health insurance reform could effectively destroy our business, but there's still a lot to see what'll happen.

In thinking of it though, if I do lose my job, I'm not sure what I'll do. The Lord is good however, and mighty and merciful to save. In Him will I trust.

Now Abides Hunger

Today is fast Sunday which means that worldwide, members of the Church go without two meals (about 24 hours without food or water) and donate the value of those meals to what's called Fast Offerings, which is then used to aid the poor and needy.

Why fast?
The fast helps me to draw away from the world and focus on more spiritual things, allowing me to come closer to Christ and to God (see Isaiah 58 for some really great doctrine on the fast). It is a form of mighty prayer that allows some great exercise of faith.

The fast makes me hungry: it allows me to feel more of what people in need actually feel every day, helping me to be more generous in my offerings and charity, and helping me to remember that we are equals.

So what am I fasting for?
1) I am praying/fasting for my boss; I just found out that his job has been eliminated and his boss is being retired. That's kind of frightening for him as well as for me, which leads me to 2.
2) I'm fasting for myself and my other co-workers that we can keep our jobs. The economy's been bad for insurance (as well as everything) which means downsizing
3) I'm fasting for two of my co-workers so they can pass upcoming Actuarial exams (or at least that they're minds will be quickened so they can remember what they've studied/learned, etc.)

Overall, it is a wonderful experience of putting God's will above your own, submitting the flesh to the spirit, mighty prayer (each time I get hungry I try to pray/remember my purpose in fasting), and a beautiful way to remember and help the poor.

I remember when the Tsunami hit in 2004, the Church held a special fast asking members to pray for the victims and donate generous fast offerings. All of the money went to helping those in need from the Tsunami.

Glimpses

Perhaps tonight, more than ever, I reflect upon my last two nights trying to fall asleep. It's been a blissful event; I love being able to sleep-just relaxing and taking in all the peace in a warm and comfy bead.

These last two nights have been unique however: I feel the desire of marriage and companionship so much more clearly, my prayers become more earnest and I am filled with warm peace. It's almost as if she were there beside me and I could talk to her and gaze into her beautiful eyes. She is an unkown, as of yet, ideal--that which I hope for and in earnest pray for. But the feelings are real and true.

Perhaps this is part of what the eye of faith is...looking forward to something that is yet to come, but believing so intently in the promise that it is as if the promise has already been brought to pass--for it is so sure, it is so secure.

Whatever it is, the feelings are wonderful. Granted I am somewhat saddened by the fact that there is no one there beside me, but I am elated by the peace and joy.

Porque en la eternidad del tiempo,
y con los millares de anos,
cuando milenios pasan por segundos,
y estrellas mueren en parpadeos,
el dia en el que tu me acercas,
es el mismo dia hoy, ya que estas.

Baptism

I went to a new member's baptism on Monday and thoroughly enjoyed. There was a sweet spirit there, although it took me a bit to really settle out the days worries to tune in. Something that impressed me the most was the old Bishop's talk on the Holy Ghost. He's just been released as our Bishop (just as I was getting to like him!) and so this was, more or his, his final talk.

It was powerful. He's a great orator and always delivers such a powerful testimony that's filled with love and concern for each one of us. I wondered through this, how did he get so strong?

Spiritual growth is very much like a tree. It takes diligent nourishment, constant care and vigilance, much time and patience and the tree will grow. Give it 20 some odd years of great care and the tree will be a mighty tree. I desire to have that type of strength and power, and the answer lies in diligence and patience, watering the tree and exercising faith through service and obedience.

Tough

Sunday was an interesting day this week as we had a kind of strange regional conference--it was just like regular church except everyone met together from various wards. What impressed me most is the Elder's Quorum lesson.

The teacher was speaking on the power of covenants from a talk given by Elder Christofferson (two conferences ago?). He began by saying that his four year wedding anniversary was coming up, which definitely turned a few heads as the vast majority of us are single. He then related how he had carefully dated this woman for about a year, then proposed and got married. After a month, they were driving and got in an accident. It was a miracle that he survived, but his wife did not.

I pondered how difficult this would be. I long for a happy marriage and the joy therein. I cannot imagine finally gaining my sweetest dreams only to have them taken, and me miraculously saved. I would ask a lot of whys, and perhaps become angry and bitter for being left here to walk alone. This good man was an example of great faith in the midst of some heavy trials.